Thursday, December 29, 2016

The space between shadows [poem]

There is a place
within the folds of the universe,
across the whispers of Ages,
the space between shadows
that cradle the being and the non

There is a time
in the moments of a rainbow,
between the stroke of midnight
and the beginning of it all,
through the veil of Millenia
when Obscurity meets Clarity

There is a feeling
of lurking, of pinpricks
on the back of the neck,
of the taste of darkness
weighing heavy on the tongue
with the sticky sweet cloy of light

Where Yesterday meets Tomorrow
in the space between the shadows
of the Now

The creatures in the in-between
dance and glide and
swim through dreams of
chance meetings of Life and Death,
of raw encounters of the fleshly kind,
nightmare creatures of
Lost Hopes and Perfect Dreams

There is a place
in the space between shadows
at the beginning of a long journey
and the end of a lifetime,
a heartbeat and a universe away

Is the silent edge to nowhere and infinity
balanced along a single delicate thread,
where reality is made, and destroyed,
and re-created. If,
by some chance encounter (or fate),
You find your Self on this path,
what will you do?


{Note: This poem was published in Vol. 2, Iss. 3 of Rigorous, an online journal written an edited by people of color.} 


Artwork by LillTommy - DeviantArt

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

The End of the World Again [poem]

Note: This poem was published in Rigorous, an online journal edited and written by people of color, in Volume 1, Issue 2.


I have not come here to compare notes
but to sit together in the stillness
at the end of the world.

Yesterday I asked you if you remember
that time we went to see the dinosaur
at that museum we both liked
And you said to me,

“You mean the museum you like, and don’t you mean
  the whale? It was the whale.”

I nodded in agreement but I know it was the
Dinosaur, the biggest creature that ever
walked the Earth, now extinct,
made of petrified bones,
plaster and fiberglass, held together
by bits of steel and ingenuity,

Much like the world we live in, lived in,
made of the real and the fake,
the truth and that posing as truth.
A small army of billions built it
with love and hope and bits of genius
engineering, steel and grit,
sweat and tears, all the cliches that

We fall back on in times of
upheaval and profound change. And yet
the people keep on keeping on, forging a way
forward, moving out of the sticky
mud mess that we got ourselves into
in the first place.

They always make it out, patching up wherever
possible, with tape and glue,
perseverance, pluck and mettle,
And with the brilliance and smarts that creates
order from chaos, a fascinating interplay
of conflicting functions,

The kinds of minds and heart that is hard to come by
Nowadays.

We look at the bubble that holds the world,
sit and watch as the bubble is slowly collapsing
in, consuming itself, we sit
detached and waiting.

How are you feeling about all of this, you
With your big ideas and your glib tongue,
You with your poetry that is a witness to magnitude.
Your profundity bringing focus to the epic
that is, was?, the life of the world

Though the world was an accident,
its peoples an afterthought, formed
in the crevices of the gray matter that
may have been the drunken mind of an All-being
but could just as well have been a fluke,
an odd fish in the salt sea of nonsense.

What do you think is the legacy of this life,
your wisdom in these moments of death
and possible rebirth?
Like that time we were at that party and
they were all harping on about that book,
pretentious opinions falling off lips
like water down a fall, rushing to the
bottom, sinking to the muddy deep, and you said something,
A riposte that would have shut it all down

If not for that explosion at the same moment
that had them running to the windows
to gape at the ruins of a truck and minivan,
Spectators of lives in ruination.

You didn’t say you wanted better, only
that you wanted more.
What did you mean?

No, don’t tell me.
I do not want to know.
I want to find out for myself
if there is a future.
I have not come to compare notes, or to listen
to you after all this time, I just
want to sit next to you, in silence, and
to hear the end, and wait for a new beginning
to come out of the ashes of the end of the world,
again.


Monday, December 12, 2016

An Art to Holding On [poetry]

Note: This poem was published in Rigorous, an online journal edited and written by people of color, in Volume 1, Issue 2.


I took a picture of the city
and the city disappeared
Memories fading into the rudimentary
colors of a four by six;
Framed and caged in a one-dimension
imitation of a genuine city
halfway around the world.

That last bite of coq au vin
Sticking to the tip of the tongue
Like a faded memory of desperate lust,
That last glimpse of the Nile
a vision of awe and wonder and
reminiscent of bittersweet dreams,
That last trek up the five hundred
and fifty-one steps of St. Peter’s
Basilica, sweaty regret giving way
to the profound sadness of loss and leaving.

What I wouldn’t give to hold onto
the truths I had acquired, the beauty
I had witnessed, the desperate feeling
of falling in love
with a strange city in a strange land;
That desire, that wish, to belong
to a place not one's own.

I recorded the music of the city
and the music faded into the air,
Lyric voices lost to the sounds of silence
and replaced by the cacophony
of home, forever lost in
the distortion of memory.

I try to view my own city
through the eyes of a visitor,
But all I see is the leaning
Tower of Pisa, the striking point
of the Eiffel Tower, the sparkling
Waters of the Mediterranean,
The pink sands of the Bahamas beaches.

Why is it that we long for the places
we don’t inhabit, that we lust
for the cities, the countries
that don't contain us;
A desire to be other than here and
dream the memories of foreign delights
tugging at our hearts and souls.

There is an art to holding onto beauty,
whether the beauty is
perceived or genuine,
and an art to letting it go, and we are
far more desperately practiced in
the holding on.


Thursday, December 8, 2016

Traces of me [fiction]

Give it time, he said, as if time was spare change in the pocket to give or throw away, as if time—Amorphous! Elusive!—were mine to give. Yesterday (or was it last year?) my heart was torn from my body and thrown into the road and I watched as it lay dying, the face of my son, my only child, my life, staring up at me through the pools of blood on the pavement. I no longer recognize the smiling faces of the people in the photographs; my husband, who was once so vibrant, transformed in the misery and agony of loss. I look in the mirror and I no longer recognize the stranger gazing back at me with my own eyes. Sometimes life is almost normal—we dine together, sometimes he cooks and sometimes I do, we watch T.V. and go to bed—though the warmth is gone. Sometimes I come home to an empty house and I order Chinese, husband stumbling home past midnight, eyes red from silent tears. This solid life of uncertainty.

It has been two Springs, two Summers, two Autumns, and one long Winter, seven seasons of lost time, and I have received little in return. I stand outside in the fresh blanket of snow, staring up at my house flanked by the bright homes of my neighbors, decorated in the happy glowing colors of the holidays. The ghostly house with the lone lit upstairs window where my husband is undoubtedly sitting alone in a sadness I cannot handle, for I can barely handle my own, the weight of it crushing my bones, is a dark blotch on the merrily-lit street. I feel myself shrinking into nothing.

Tomorrow I will tell him that time has run out and I have no more of it left to give, though in truth, time was never an issue to begin with. I have accepted that job overseas. I am leaving next week. I doubt the news will be a surprise—it may even be a relief. I tramp up the driveway to the front door, shivering in the cold, leaving dark boot-prints that will be filled in a matter of minutes by the freshly falling snow, erasing any traces of me.


Thursday, December 1, 2016

The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane - a book review

The Tea Girl of Hummingbird LaneThe Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane by Lisa See
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I received an advanced reading e-book copy of this book from Jellybooks.com. I have always wanted to read Lisa See but I just had not gotten around to it. When I got this opportunity to read an advanced reading copy, I jumped on it.

This book centers around an Akha (Chinese ethnic minority) girl, Li-Yan, who gives birth to a daughter at a very young age out of wedlock. Because of the beliefs of her culture she was forced to give up her daughter, who was adopted by an American family. It is about Li-Yan's growth, her inner conflicts between her ethnic upbringing and her exposure to a modern and changing China, how she finds balance between the two worlds, and how she reconciles the events of her past. The book seamlessly interweaves the story of Li-Yan and that of her daughter, and how their destinies are tied together by the culture of Pu-Erh tea.

This was a deeply immersive book; I had a difficult time putting it down. Lisa See does an amazing job setting up the plot and the setting, and developing the characters. The history and culture was well-researched, placing the reader right in the middle of all the growth and changes in the characters, the times, and the country. She writes beautiful prose that really draws the reader into the details of the world and the culture.

I learned so much about tea, the culture surrounding it, the history, and the effects of the growing demand for it on China. I drink tea and I am gifted teas from family and friends, but I never knew how multi-faceted tea culture was. This book made me want to learn more about tea and how to determine the quality of the teas in my modest collection.

The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane comes out on March 21, 2017 and it will make a fine addition to any bookshelf. I will definitely be reading more of Lisa See.

View all my reviews

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Thoughts on the 2016 election and a Trump presidency

I have gone through many emotions in quick succession throughout the Presidential election night the days following: disbelief, fear, bewilderment, disappointment, anger. I felt as many of my friends and fellow citizens felt when it was clear that Donald Trump was the President-Elect of the United States of America: anger and disgust that this great nation can see fit to put someone so disgusting and intolerable in the position of the most powerful person in the world. I blamed the blind Republicans, the right-wing neo-conservatives, the tea-partiers, the under-educated illiberal rednecks, the racist and prejudiced selfish white folk for getting duped by a lying, bigoted, intolerant orange buffoon. I was angry and saddened by the state that our nation had come to. And while I did not seriously consider moving out of the United States, I did do a quick run-through in my head of family I have in Canada. I was grateful that I lived in a state like New York and that I will likely be protected from the worst of the acts of hatred that will be faced by women, minorities, immigrants, and members of the LGBTQ community in much of the country in the coming days, weeks, and years. And I was glad that, as an immigration attorney, I will be playing a vital role in combating whatever ill-conceived policies that will come out of the White House in the next four years.

But I have also had the next few days to think and reflect on how we got here in the first place. Why did more than half country choose someone like Trump over someone like Hillary Clinton, who not only had the experience and the resume for the position of President, she was also compassionate and broad-minded, neither of which describes Donald Trump? Where did we go wrong? I have read many articles and I have watched many videos about the election, and I have come to realize that people like me have been willfully blind to the direction the country has been moving in. While the face of the country has been becoming increasingly more liberal and progressive, there has been a growing tension in the forgotten places of the U.S.

We talk about climate change, the evils of fossil fuels, human rights, LGBTQ rights, women’s rights, the rights of immigrants, Black Lives Matter, &etc., while underneath all of this is the growing tension of the people who have felt left behind and forgotten — the people in places that have lost manufacturing jobs and jobs that have been diminishing because of the growth of the clean energy industry; the people who feel threatened because their more conservative values are scorned by what they view as the liberal elite whose agendas have been championed above their own; the people who are shamed and denigrated for being “uneducated” because of their beliefs and values and who live in areas of the country that have not seen much help from the establishment despite the platitudes and promises of their representatives. These are people who saw in Trump someone who was anti-establishment, non-incumbent, someone who will turn the country on its head and perhaps force change that may make their lives a little bit better.

Half the country has been feeling disenfranchised, marginalized, ignored, and denigrated. They have felt that their voices and their needs have been suppressed and that we liberals have been pushing our beliefs, ideals, and agendas to the detriment of the millions of them. It has become a we versus them, them versus us, and the election of Donald Trump is the end result of that perceived struggle. They have felt pushed into a corner of fear and anxiety. When people feel safe and secure, they become more liberal; when they feel threatened, they become more conservative.

I think that many of us hinged our hopes on the belief that, in the end, Trump would not, could not, win the Presidency, despite the mounting disbelief that he had made it this far against all odds and predictions. We believed that there was no way he could ultimately win. If we believed that Trump could not win, we didn’t need to think about why Trump was able to get this far in the first place. We didn’t need to ask the difficult questions about why people supported him once we brushed over the superficial beliefs that Trump’s supporters were merely the biggest bigots, misogynists, and haters in the country. We didn’t have to consider the voices of the people trying to get us to hear them and to pay attention to their needs and their problems. We just had to believe that everything will be just as we wanted them to be, in the status quo, and that is what Hillary represented, despite all arguments to the contrary. Hillary represented to half the country the epitome of incumbent-ship and nepotism, with her long and involved history in politics. It didn’t matter that she had the experience and the knowledge, in fact that is what made her undesirable, because electing her would have meant more of the same unfulfilled promises and more of the same platitudes and excuses.

By electing Trump, half the country was saying to the other half, HERE WE ARE. WE WILL NO LONGER BE IGNORED. WE ARE CITIZENS TOO AND DESERVE YOUR RESPECT. And now we must pay attention and realize that we have been as ignorant and bigoted as we had been damning the other half for being. We must now come together and try to find common ground again. We will never agree on everything, but we can try to come as close as possible. Right now we are at extremes. Let us try to meet somewhere in the middle. I am willing to try, are you?

I’m not saying that everything is going to be okay. I’m not saying that we will not face daunting problems in the next four years. And I’m certainly not saying that things will go back to normal. What I’m saying is that we must pay attention and try to understand where half the country is coming from. We must try to understand why some of us feel trampled on, and we must reach out a hand and help them up, dust off their shoulders and tell them that we are listening, that we will move forward together. There will be hard times ahead of us, and there will be bigoted and hateful people who take Trump’s election as a mandate to show their colors and to act violent towards those they deem inferior. These things are already happening. But these are not the majority of the Trump supporters, most of whom share same values about humanity and community that we do. We will not tolerate the racists, misogynists, xenophobes, homophobes, white supremacists, angry religious fundamentalists, and white terrorists in our midst, but we will tolerate and work with those who are willing to put aside the differences to create a better tomorrow for all of us, for our children and our children's children. Our job now is to take to each other’s hands and move forward together to build a better understanding and a better future. Together.

Here is what we can do now: 

Protest, get angry, just don’t get violent. Show your dismay and disappointment, let your representatives know that you are angry and upset. Let it all out. Shout and pump your fists, march in a protest and solidarity, congregate, but don’t get violent. Violence doesn’t solve the problems. 

Protect and support the vulnerable groups: minorities, immigrants, women, LGBTQ — there will be many hateful things coming out in the coming weeks by people who will take Trump’s election as permission to act violently and to spew hatred. So step up and don’t let the bullies get away with their hateful acts. 

Donate your time and/or money to organizations that fight for and protect the rights of the most vulnerable members of our society. These organizations will need our support more than ever in the wake of a Trump Presidency and Republican-controlled government that has made it a priority to pull back support for affordable healthcare, LGBTQ rights and protections, environmental controls, and support for sexual assault victims. You want to make a difference in a Trump America? Volunteer.

Get involved in local government. Learn who your elected officials are and put pressure on them to get your interests and your values heard and protected. Vote in every single election, local, state and federal. Educate yourself about the issues and the candidates’ platforms and views. Check your incumbent representative’s history in government, see what promises s/he has made and check that they have followed through; make sure they represent your values. Join a group of activists and fight for your values and beliefs. GO OUT AND VOTE IN EVERY ELECTION

Review Trump's first 100 days plan. Some of the things he proposes will greatly impact and/or damage our government, our freedom, our livelihood, the country and the world. Write/call your local officials, representatives, senators. Get involved in a local activist group. Vote in the next few elections. 

Reach out to a conservative or Republican and start a conversation. Exchange views and ideas. Start a dialogue. You'll find that we're not so different after all. And the differences that are there, we can live with (mostly). 



Links to all the articles and videos I referenced above and/or read and watched (in no particular order): 


- Area Liberal No Longer Recognizes Fanciful, Wildly Inaccurate Mental Picture of Country He Lives In, THE ONION;
http://www.theonion.com/article/area-liberal-no-longer-recognizes-fanciful-wildly--54670 

What I learned after 100,000 miles on the road talking to Trump supporters; Chris Arnade, The Guardian;
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/nov/03/trump-supporters-us-elections?utm_source=nextdraft&utm_medium=email 

- Trump: Tribune of Poor, White People; Rod Dreher, The American Conservative;
http://www.theamericanconservative.com/dreher/trump-us-politics-poor-whites/ 


We just saw what voters do when they feel screwed. Here’s the economic theory of why they do it; James Allworth, Quartz;
http://qz.com/832522/election-2016-we-just-saw-what-voters-do-when-they-feel-screwed-heres-the-economic-theory-of-why-they-do-it/?utm_source=qzfb 

- Unconscious Reactions Separate Liberals and Conservatives; Emily Laber-Warren, Scientific American Mind;
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/calling-truce-political-wars/ 

- Messy Truth: Van Jones visits Trump voters in their homes for an honest conversation;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJPTod08oCk 

- It's Going to Be Okay; Tim Urban, Wait But Why;
http://waitbutwhy.com/2016/11/its-going-to-be-okay.html 

‘Go back to Asia!’: Trump supporter grabs woman–police arrive and handcuff the victim; Nathan Wellman; 
http://usuncut.com/news/go-back-asia-trump-supporter-grabs-woman-police-arrive-handcuff-victim/

Students at Fresh Meadows high school condemned for alleged Trump-inspired harassment on city bus; Suzanne Monteverdi, QNS;
http://qns.com/story/2016/11/10/students-fresh-meadows-high-school-condemned-alleged-trump-inspired-harassment-city-bus/ 

- Day 1 in Trump's America; Sean O'Kane, Medium;
https://medium.com/@seanokane/day-1-in-trumps-america-9e4d58381001#.de8i0mk82 

VIDEO: Royal Oak school kids chant "Build the wall" while Latino classmates cry; Alysa Offman, Detroit Metro Times;
http://www.metrotimes.com/Blogs/archives/2016/11/09/video-royal-oak-school-kids-chant-build-the-wall-while-latino-classmates-cry 

Police Investigate Attacks on Muslim Students at Two Universities; Niraj Chokshi, The New York Times;
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/11/11/us/police-investigate-attacks-on-muslim-students-at-universities.html?_r=0&referer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F 

Artist Marie-Shirine Yener made a comic for bystanders who witness anti-Muslim harassment; Sarah Harvard;
https://mic.com/articles/153212/artist-marie-shirine-yener-made-a-comic-for-bystanders-who-witness-anti-muslim-harassment#.hKyYAfMtz 

A List of Pro-Women, Pro-Immigrant, Pro-Earth, Anti-Bigotry Organizations That Need Your SupportJoanna Rothkopf; Jezebel; 
http://jezebel.com/a-list-of-pro-women-pro-immigrant-pro-earth-anti-big-1788752078 

Progressive Organizations That Need Your Support, Now More Than Ever, in Trump's America; Emilia Petrarca; W Magazine; 
http://www.wmagazine.com/story/progressive-organizations-that-need-your-support-now-more-than-ever-in-trumps-america 


- How to Contact Your Elected Officials; USA.gov;
https://www.usa.gov/elected-officials 

State Election Dates & Deadlines; U.S. Vote Foundation; 
https://www.usvotefoundation.org/vote/state-elections/state-election-dates-deadlines.htm

- My Time to Vote; http://elections.mytimetovote.com/dates/default.html 

Here Is What Donald Trump Wants To Do In His First 100 Days; Amita Kelly, Barbara Sprunt;
http://www.npr.org/2016/11/09/501451368/here-is-what-donald-trump-wants-to-do-in-his-first-100-days 

Donald Trump’s Victory Could Mean Disaster for the Planet; Justin Worland; Time; 
http://time.com/4564224/donald-trump-climate-change/?xid=newsletter-brief

- In the Heart of Trump Country; Larissa MacFarquhar; The New Yorker;
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/10/10/in-the-heart-of-trump-country 

- An American Tragedy; David Remnick; The New Yorker;
http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/an-american-tragedy-donald-trump 

Vigils and protests swell across U.S. in wake of Trump victory; Matea Gold, Kari Lydersen and Fenit Nirappil; The Washington Post;
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trumps-white-house-win-promises-to-reshape-us-political-landscape/2016/11/09/62baa5e4-a66a-11e6-ba59-a7d93165c6d4_story.html 

Why are so many first-generation Chinese immigrants supporting Donald Trump?; Kaiser Kuo; SupChina;
http://supchina.com/2016/11/03/many-first-generation-chinese-immigrants-supporting-donald-trump/ 

- Stephen Colbert Signs Off on the 2016 Presidential Election
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXhFGO8R7aU&sns=fb

- Seth Meyers Shares Remarks on Donald Trump's Presidencyhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEskg0Z-NAQ 


Sunday, October 30, 2016

For your Halloween reading pleasure

{this is a work of fiction}

Do you ever wake up grasping at the remnants of a dream feeling like you lost the thread of something important? Do you ever get the feeling that your dreams are trying to tell you something? What if they are?

I was a child of science, raised in the belief that there was no truth beyond what we can observe, or test, or measure, that every phenomenon has a logical explanation. That is something I no longer have the luxury to believe. I woke up most nights drenched in a cold sweat, gasping for breath as my heart pounded against my ribs. I was convinced that some deeper truth had been revealed in my dreams, if only I could hold onto it before it faded away.

What if I tell you that another world, another life is being played out while you sleep, in your dreams? What if I tell you that that world is also a collective world, one that we all share? And what if I tell you that someone, or something, is trying to tear that world apart, and that you have the power to stop it? Would you believe me?

When I was eight my little brother disappeared. His name was Bryan. They found his body floating in the river three days later. I never learned what happened to him. He was only five years old. Soon after he disappeared from my life, he began to disappear from my memories. I couldn’t recall his face anymore. I can’t picture it except in my dreams, where he is as clear as day. But I can’t remember what he looks like when I woke up.

The nightmares began a few months after they found his body. I would be walking down a dark never-ending hallway, passing doorways to either side of me that were always open and always pitch-black. I could feel something alive and menacing lurking somewhere in my periphery, but I could never quite catch sight of it. As I pass the same doorways again and again, the pitch-blackness within the openings would seem to grow ever darker. Inevitably, something from within one of the doorways would reach out of the darkness to latch tightly onto my arm. I knew it was coming, that I could not stop it, and knowing did not make it any less terrifying.

Our parents, who believed that I was experiencing trauma from the death of my brother, sent me to a psychiatrist and put me in sleep therapy. But all that did was decrease the frequency of the nightmares for a short while. Eventually they gave up and hoped that I would grow out of it which, in a way, I did. I did not relish going to sleep therapy because I would wake in a strange and sterile place, without the comforting knowledge that my mother and father were right next door. It was like I woke from one nightmare into another. I somehow trained myself to wake up from my nightmares without screaming most nights, though that meant that nobody came to comfort me and I ended up unable to fall asleep again for hours.

My nightmares quickly grew more complex and frightening, drawing heavily from details in my waking life. That was also when Bryan began to appear in my dreams. A dark doorway would open up to my fourth grade classroom, empty except for my teacher sitting at her desk. She didn’t look at me, but when I walked close she would go stiff and her gaze would lift from her desk to the windows. I would look out the windows onto a dark and stormy playground, empty but for a menacing figure lurking behind the public restrooms beyond the swings, casting an indistinct shadow upon the ground. Bryan would be there, sitting on one of the swings between me and the shadowy figure.

These dark creatures featured prominently in all my nightmares. They’ve followed me through the empty hallways of my schools, wearing top hats, their capes dragging on the ground. They’ve looked down at me from apartment windows as I walked down the street to my home, staring with their empty white eyes. They’ve chased me through the streets and alleyways downtown, long sharp fingers scraping the brick walls of the buildings. And every time, little Bryan would be there, always standing between me and the shadows and always before I woke up, as if he was the only thing between me and the creatures that were hunting me. One time, I awoke to a heavy weight on my chest. I was struggling to breathe. I could not see anything, my bedroom was dark, but I heard the heavy breathing of the creature sitting on my chest, felt its sticky hands and feet on my breasts, and smelled the stale stink of its breath on my face. I was paralyzed, I could not move an inch of my body, not even wiggle my fingers or toes. And was struggling to draw breath into my dying lungs. Suddenly I felt the weight lift from me and I pulled heavy gulps of welcome oxygen into my lungs. Turning my head, I caught a glimpse of Bryan’s back before I jolted awake again, to an empty room. I trained myself to sleep a minimum number of hours every day, forcing myself to stay awake for as long as possible until my body became completely exhausted and my brain has all but shut down, and then I would collapse into my bed in the hopes that I would fall into a dreamless sleep, or barring that, would at least minimize my encounters with the nightmare creatures.

There are stories of such creatures depicted in the myths and folklore of cultures throughout the world. Nearly all cultures tell of a monster that comes in the night and suffocates the sleeper to death, the Filipinos have the Batibat, the tribal Hmong have the Dab Tsog, the Germans have the Alp, and the Americans have the Hag. The Japanese Baku feeds on dreams, eating up the hopes and motivations of the sleeper and slowly driving the sleeper insane. The Hungarian Lidérc is a lover-tormentor that seduces its victims with lust and sex and then sucks out their blood and strength. The Mara, from which the word nightmare derives, tortures sleepers with unpleasant dreams and attempts to remove the sleepers’ souls from their bodies, killing them.

If I told you that these stories are more than myths, that the creatures are real, would you believe me? If I said that the creatures you encounter in your nightmares and waking dreams have existed since the beginning of life itself, would you think me mad? These creatures, they do not care or feel; their only motivation is their lust for destruction and control. First they come for your sanity, then they come for your life, taking what is left, the shadow of your essence, and turning you into one of them. They have been building their army for a very long time, and they are preparing to invade the other two-thirds of reality, the waking world.

Bryan never spoke in my dreams, and he never ages. He looks as fresh and disheveled as the last time I saw him, running through our old yard to jump into a pile of newly raked Autumn leaves. He disappeared the next day, and three days after that he was found dead in the river. He silently guided me through my nightmares and silently protected me from the monsters. I learned much from Bryan as I grew up with these nightmares. There are people who are born equipped with the ability to maintain balance between the two worlds, who are the keepers of the Dream Gates and the bridge between the worlds. Bryan was one of them. But the nightmare creatures are growing greedy and they lust for more of the time, more of the existence. They want to inhabit and engulf all of our reality. And they have systematically been playing on the fears and lusts of humanity, plaguing our waking moments with the evil stench of our most terrible desires and driving the insane to commit the most inhuman acts, creating a loop of nightmares both in waking and in slumber.

Have you ever experienced moments of lucidity in your dreams, where you seem to “wake up” and realize that you are dreaming, and then to manipulate the dream’s outcome? People like you, like my little brother, like me, are gifted with the ability to consciously navigate in both worlds, to manipulate their realities. It is a part of us, in our DNA, inherited from ancestors dating back to the first conscious dreamers, who first learned to move fluidly between the worlds as if the only barrier between them was a translucent veil. We have lost much of that conscious ability, but we can get it back. We must get it back. For the nightmare creatures are multiplying and they have grown clever. They have learned to identify and track dreamers with your potential, and to kill them before they have to the chance to realize their innate powers.

We do not know how these nightmares came to be. What we know is that they have been in existence since at least the first human dreamers. Perhaps the first dreamers created these creatures in the course of exploring their powers of manipulation in their dreamscape reality, not knowing that the creatures would take up a life of their own. Or perhaps they have existed in that world since the beginning of time, since the beginning of the universe, and the first dreamers merely created a bridge that bound us together. Or perhaps the first human dreamers unwittingly brought a pollution into that world, disturbing its delicate balance, and the nightmare creatures evolved as a result. We do not know. But what we do know is that they are coming for us, and they are relentless.

I moved out of my parents’ home and into an apartment of my own two years ago and the nightmares only became worse. I was familiarizing myself with a new home, a new neighborhood, a new job. Everything felt strange and unreal. Soon, I began experiencing waking nightmares. On my first night in my new apartment, I awoke to the sounds of stone against glass, as if someone was throwing pebbles against my window, impossible since I lived on the eight floor of my building. I opened my eyes and looked around me. There were strange shadows moving along the walls where the moon cast its light. The moonlight was flickering and the shadows began to take on a more distinct shape. I smelled the faint stench of rotten eggs and, strangely, roses. It was then that I realized I was frozen to my bed. I was lying on my side, staring at the wall lit by moonlight. The darkness seemed to me to be alive. I began to hear a rhythmic thumping sound, like someone had put shoes spinning in the dryer. I could not blink or move my arms or legs, my muscles were frozen. The shadow creatures came closer and loomed over my bed, throwing their own shadows against the wall of moonlight. They were tall and thin. One wore and a top hat and was flanked by two others, all swathed in cloaks of black ink. They looked down at me with their glowing green eyes. I tried to force myself to move, to twitch a finger or a toe, or blink my eyes. My heart was thumping loudly in my ears as it pumped massive amounts of blood through my body, and I began to hyperventilate. From the corner of my eyes, I could see another set of creatures, blurry and pulsing faintly gray-green like T.V. static. They moved out of my line of sight, but I knew, I felt that they stood behind me. My fingers and toes began to tingle with electricity. I knew that if I could just turn or roll over, or scream, I could get away from this nightmare. I began to panic as I put all my willpower into trying to force myself out of that frozen state. I felt myself beginning to black out as I put all my effort into moving just a single muscle. Suddenly I managed to forcefully roll over onto my face and the creatures disappeared. I opened my eyes and “woke up,” still on my side, but the presence of the nightmare creatures were gone. I was drenched in perspiration. I could not go back to sleep for the remainder of the night.

That was the first time the creatures from my nightmares crossed the barrier between my dreams and my reality, however briefly. At first I thought I had had a stroke, but when I went to see a doctor, I was told that I was in perfect health, though there were some abnormalities in my EEG readings, likely caused by stress. I was told it would go away with lifestyle changes. Since then, I have had multiple such episodes every week for the next two years. The scientific and medical community call it “sleep paralysis,” with no definitive explanation for its cause nor any definitive way to cure it. I know now that it is the nightmares attempting to break through the barrier to the waking world, and they are becoming stronger. Sometimes Bryan would be there to help me come out of it. More and more often, I had to fight them off on my own. They cannot survive in the waking world without us. They need us to break to open the barrier from the dream world, essentially allowing them to cross the border, so to speak, into our world. And to do that, they must break down our sanity and destroy enough of the potential conscious dreamers that could stop them from carrying out their invasion.

Why am I telling you all this? Because we need your help; the world needs your help. You are a conscious dreamer; you have the ability to resist these nightmare creatures, and to bring balance back to the intertwined realities. You must help us find the others and wake them to their potential, before the nightmares get to them. There is only so much that Bryan and I can do on our own, especially from this side alone. You and the others are the bridge and the gatekeepers. You must listen and believe.

Last week, I had a severe episode of nightmare paralysis. It was 3:00 am and I was finally preparing for bed. Once I lay down and my head touched the pillow, my phone on the bedside table began to vibrate with a call. I wanted to ignore it but the vibrating would not stop. I sat up on the the bed and answered the phone. There was nothing but static on the other end of the line, and then I heard, hello?…, followed by more unintelligible sounds. I stood up and walked down the hall from my bedroom and the static cleared up. Hello, said the voice of a little boy. Bryan??

They are coming for you. You must get out. They have me, I can’t help you. Don’t let them in! Run! 

There was a loud bang on my door and I spun around, startled, dropping the phone. Looking back down the hallway to my bedroom door, I saw shadowy figures with red eyes surrounding my bed. One was in a top hat. A shadow creature with black wings and dripping black mucus was hovering above. I saw myself, lying on the bed, frozen and staring up at the grotesque nightmare insect with glowing red eyes hovering above my face. I was watching myself from the hallway, but I was also in bed staring up at the creature, surrounded by the dread shadows. Suddenly my head began to shake violently side to side until my face became a blur. There was high-pitched buzzing and someone’s muffled screaming was coming from somewhere far away. I watched as the hovering insect shadow reached out a long hairy limb that ended in a sharp point. In one swift movement, it plunged the knife point straight into my forehead.

I felt a terrible pain that began in my head and quickly spread to the rest of my body. The pain became so unbearable that I was ready to pass out. My body was shaking violently and the tips of my fingers and toes felt electrocuted. The me standing in the hallway slumped against the wall and my eyes rolled back into my head. Then, through all this, I felt a warm touch on my hand. I pulled myself out of the death spiral just enough to look down toward my hand. It was Bryan. He put his small hand into mine and pulled me toward my front door. The pain was gone.

Sleep is restorative and dreams maintain our sanity. Without dreams, we would be set adrift in a vast chasm of nothingness for one third of our lives. The waking world and the dream world are intimately intertwined. One cannot exist without the other. Humanity and all the creatures that inhabit the waking world, and that sleep and dream, must spend some time in dreams. The creatures that are eating away at our dreams, turning them into nightmares, know this, and if they can control our dreams, they can control our realities. The nightmares are relentless and they will not stop hunting us until every last one of us is gone. And then, they will engulf the world.

Do you realize where you are now? Why I am here? I am here to help you realize who you are and what you can be. You and the others like you are our last defense against the nightmares. There is only so much Bryan and I can do from this side. There are few of us here and we cannot protect the Dream Gates. This is not just a dream. They are coming after you. The shadow is behind you now, slinking closer and closer. Can you feel the tension in the seeping cold? Can you see the darkness beginning to surround us? Don't turn around. They are coming for you and the others. I will help you wake up. I will help you evade the monsters for as long I can, but this is all I can do. I am forever in the dream world now, and all I can do is help find people like you as they traverse the dreamscape. You must remember this dream, this conversation. Remember, and find the others. You are the last defense between these demons and the waking world.

Are you ready? Now, wake up.


Thursday, October 20, 2016

This is She [fiction]

{this is a work of fiction}

She’s the kind of gentle soul you find sitting alone in a coffee shop absorbed in a book as her latte slowly turns cold. She’s the type of person who will listen to your sob story without judgment and will comfort you with a genuine hug. She is someone who has an enormous capacity for empathy and who readily sheds tears of joy or sorrow as her heart swells at the smallest provocation on her feelings.

But she is also the kind of person who will fan the flames of discontent, feed the fire of disgruntlement. She cannot help it. Oftentimes she doesn’t even realize it as she is doing it. It gives her a kind of giddy, nervous high, that power of being someone’s confidant and the sensation of gaining superior knowledge of a person’s deepest resentments. It’s as if, for those few moments, she is driven by a demon that is normally carefully hidden away in the darkest depths of her being.

Look, the little demon is coming out. You can see it on her face and in her posture. Her color is heightened, a flush is slowly appearing on her cheeks. Her body is alert and slightly fidgety, she is sitting up straight on her chair, her full attention on the friend sitting across from her. He talks of his worries and regrets, and of his umbrage with a mutual friend. She sympathizes with his troubles and drops a comment that fuels his anger towards their friend and brings up memories of past wrongs suffered. She never thought of their friend in such negative terms before but sees where he is coming from and recalls examples of their friend’s undesirable behaviors. She indicates to him, in her non-disagreement with his opinions and invitation to continue in the same vein, that he is not wrong in his feelings and is justified in his resentments. She weaves a careful web of irritation and misery built on a fragile base of intimacy and camaraderie. He finds in her an attentive listener and a sympathetic friend as he unburdens his soul to her.

See that red glint in her eyes? That is the demon growing stronger as it feeds on the agitation that slowly consumes him and that feeds its lust. Another flash of red hot passes her eyes; the demon is getting greedy. She pulls back and comes to herself, subconsciously reigning in the monster. Turning slightly and relaxing into her seat, she releases her friend from this captive torment. They change the subject. Soon they get up to leave, dumping their empty coffee cups in the trash by the door.

If it were not for the love that surrounds her, she might have turned out differently, become someone wholly unrecognizable from who she turned out to be, the flip side of her essence. She has the greatest capacity for love, but also the greatest capacity for destruction.


It's time for me to pick a major project to focus on for the next month and a half... http://nanowrimo.org/

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Phonograph: A flash fiction story

{this is a work of fiction}

I walked into the study and it smelled like Shakespeare, if Shakespeare smelled like tobacco and honey, like roses and wet socks. The sound of classical music could be heard coming from an antique phonograph in an open cabinet, the straining sounds of Carnegie Hall. I picked up a cell phone from his desk and saw a line from a poem by T.S. Eliot…In the room the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo… I looked around me, at the framed prints of abstract paintings by obscure artists, at the leather bound books in the hardwood bookcases that have never been touched, at the particular collection of photographs and memorabilia placed strategically around the room. The music from the phonograph stopped and started again. And I left, walked out of the study, out of the house, before he came out of the shower, wondering what kind of man was hidden beneath that carefully curated exterior. 



Tuesday, October 11, 2016

What's the difference between geese and refugees?

{this is a work of fiction}

They came from the far bank of the dying river, flapping their wings and squawking to each other. They fluttered over the grassy knoll and waddled about, their long necks bobbing as they quacked. The geese had waded through the mud of their river, once gushing with overflow and vibrant with river greens, to get to this side, at the end of the season. Looking ahead to the uncertain future, they prepare for the long journey ahead. 

They reminisce of a rosy summer, regret the transformation from fair weather, resign to the change in the season, and talk of a new spring in another place. They take only what they can carry close to their bodies, leaving behind the heavy burdens and the nests they had built, leaving them to the callous winter. Yet, all they can talk of is the future. They fly on the winds of hope. What use is it to pity them? 

I have heard the flock of geese say to each other, “Where do we go after we die?” One answered, “In the country of rich men, where learned peoples come together, they dine on fattened goose liver nightly, and toast each other on their abstruse accomplishments.” 

“Gavage,” piped up another, “is the ceremony wherein the chosen goose is fed and fattened for the honor of appearing at the table. If you die doing good deeds, won’t you have good fortune?”

“Yes, yes,” they all squeaked, bobbing their heads in unison. One, looking uncertain, posed the question, “What if one does not wish to be pâté?” 

“Don’t be silly,” the others squawked, “Who does not wish to be full? But the real goal is to be the man. One step at a time!”

Then raising their wings all at once, they began their migration, some northward and others westward. All disappeared into the mercy of the inconstant winds. How much suffering can you swallow? 



"What they took with them" by UNHCR, the UN Refugee Agnecy

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Another poem

This was going to be a short story, but somehow it turned into a poem... I never thought of myself as a poet.

To Catch a Dream 

She cast a line into the sea to try to catch a dream;
Instead she caught a thrashing world,
glistening blue and red and green.
Out of the salty depths from which it had been submerged,
for forty days and forty nights it flowed and weaved,
unseen.

She held the glowing world in her hand’s palm
and listened to the rumors of ghosts
and the throbbing of its heart’s calm.
The world, in its turn, cast off the shadows and the doubt,
revved up its spirit, Life, and warmed the
            healing balm.

She wore the world close to her heart
upon a silver string;
kept its secrets for herself and whispered
her innocent tales of cabbages and kings.
Nature’s bounty sparked and bloomed and showed the world
in tresses of newborn Spring.

She modeled the world upon her breast
in her changeling years,
and loved a boy who broke her heart,
that honest Puck, that maker of tears.
The world convulsed and burst with songs of faith and hope,
            dispelling shadows of offense and fears.

She carried the world upon her brow
            set in a golden crown,
and beside her strolled the shining vows,
burnt with the fires of her eyes.
They followed her wing glides in the clouds
            and framed her fearful symmetry. 

Upon the twilight of the her days
            When the stars began to fade,
the world pulsed bright in the darkening sky
            and then began to serenade
the flights of lore, the tales of yore,
            and the perfume of life’s bouquet.

She walked the well-trodden road to sea
            with the world curled in her hand,
and with the wisdom of her feet
            by way of the footprints in the sand.
To the world she whispered, go gentle into that
            good night, and returned it from the land.

Pokemon Go

I downloaded the Pokemon Go app on my phone the day after it was released and was hooked. I wasn't a huge fan of Pokemon, though I did watch all the English-version episodes of the original Pokemon series during the Saturday morning cartoons line-up when I was a kid, and I did collect and trade Pokemon cards with my friends in elementary school. But I never played the Nintendo Pokemon games (mostly because my parents never bought me and my siblings any games or gaming consoles).

I loved those cartoons though and I watched it every week with my little brother and sister. So I guess Pokemon Go was attractive for its nostalgia factor, and the fact that it didn't need me to purchase a separate device to play it. 

What I didn't factor was all the walking the game required, and the fact that the game made me want to go outside and walk. I'm not a big exercise person. And I don't like to walk, especially now that it's the middle of the summer and it's sweltering hot outside. Pokemon Go made me go outside and take walks, and enjoy it. I had to be moving in order to capture different types of Pokemon, and to go places in order to get items and train at gyms. I had to be physical in order to earn achievements, which is a great exercise and rewards system. 



And I think one of the best things about the game is that, because it's augmented reality, it takes you to real places and to places you might never have gone to otherwise, or walked passed every day without noticing it. It opens up your eyes to the neighborhood around you. When I started playing that weekend, I found treasures in my neighborhood that I never noticed before. There are a lot of churches and statues, and also private gardens and tributes and remembrances. That is the best thing about augmented reality games like Pokemon Go, it takes people outside and takes them away from their insular computerized worlds to experience some part of the real world. It teaches you to appreciate what you never gave a second glance to before. Or at least it did me. 

Here are some treasures I found in my neighborhood: 

Somebody's private Buddhist zen garden

Tribute to victims of Sandy Hook shooting

Tribute to U.S. Marines and model of the Statue of Liberty

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Update on Letters for Black Lives Matter

Powerful readings by everyday voices

Quick update about the Letters for Black Lives Matter. Here are the voice recordings of the letter in multiple languages by a diverse group of people, adding their ordinary yet powerful voices to an important movement. 

This is how we can begin to contribute to the #BLM movement and begin to effect change, by educating members of our family who may not have questioned their prejudiced views and beliefs. 


Follow Letter for Black Lives and get updates from the group doing this wonderful and necessary work: https://lettersforblacklives.com/ 

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

One Chinese American's Thoughts on #BlackLivesMatter

As the second post on my new blog, this topic is rather heavy. In the past year violence against Black Americans in the United States has seemed to increase, with news of yet more police shootings or brutal police behavior appearing in the news at least a few times a month. In the past week alone, there have been at least two fatal police encounters resulting in the death of Black men. It is NOT the case that violence against our fellow Black Americans have increased in the past couple of years; it IS the case that violence and prejudice against our fellow Black Americans have never truly subsided. It has just been more visible due to the advent of smartphones with cameras and the internet; the violence is just more visible to more people.

But this increased visibility has shown us that violence and death is not the most tragic thing that has occurred to our fellow Americans. To me, the most tragic thing is that despite all the evidence, all the coverage, all the voices of our fellow Black Americans telling us that this terrible thing is happening to them, and has been happening for generations on American soil, in the land of the free, THEIR VOICES ARE NOT BEING HEARD. What is tragic is that for many other Americans of Color in the United States, and I mean many in the Asian community (especially, from my experience, older Chinese immigrants and older generations of Chinese Americans) cannot set aside their own prejudices and see that our fellow Black Americans are no different from all the rest of us. We are racist, too.

As an Asian American, and especially as a first generation Chinese American, it pains me to see that my friends and fellow citizens suffer from such discrimination and racism. It angers me that my parents and grandparents, my aunts and uncles, have such superficial and prejudiced views against people whom I grew up with, went to school with and work with, that I call my friends, my family. But no amount of discussions or arguments or reasoning seem to be able to change their stubborn views and fears. It certainly doesn't help that my Chinese was basic at best and that I did not have the vocabulary to truly convey my views and feelings.

Whenever I read about another shooting or another instance of brutality against Black America, I am saddened and angered. I want to lash out at the governments, institutions and prejudices that allow this to continue to happen, over and over again. But I never know what I could do that will make any significant difference, that will not diminish the voices of my fellow Black Americans. After all, their experiences are not my experiences and their history is not my history.

But their anger is my anger and their fight can be my fight, too. I don't have to shed silent tears of sadness and anger.

This piece has gone on longer than I expected it to be when I first started writing it. It was meant as a prelude to a crowd-sourced letter that has emerged out of a collaboration by people of many backgrounds, people who care about the Black Lives Matter movement. I felt that, when I learned about this letter, there is finally something I can do to help, no matter how small my contribution: I can share this letter with my family, with my parents and in-laws, and try to help them understand the importance of caring about this movement, of caring about what happens to our fellow Americans.

A few weeks ago, my father called me up on the phone to complain about a tenant renting one of the apartments in his house. The tenant is Korean, staying in the U.S. as a law school student. She had been renting the apartment since before my parents purchased the property some months ago. The reason for my father's complaint was that she now has a live-in boyfriend, and he is black. Without learning anything about her new roommate and boyfriend, he tells me that she is going to be trouble, simply because she invited her black boyfriend to live with her, simply because her boyfriend is black. As I rolled my eyes during the conversation, I tried once again to convince him that he has no basis for his prejudiced opinions, and once again he was not completely convinced. I am hoping that this letter, the Chinese translation of which I have shared with him, and which is far more articulate than I could ever be, will, at the very least, open up his mind just a little bit and perhaps help him to rethink his views.

Here is the letter: https://lettersforblacklives.com/dear-mom-dad-uncle-auntie-black-lives-matter-to-us-too-7ca577d59f4c#.d4uwva87p

Is this the beginning or the middle?

It is certainly not the end


I have tried keeping up online journals and blogs before, but they have never ended well. The blogs are always neglected or forgotten and then, when I remembered that the stuff I had written at a certain point in my life about my life was still somewhere out there on the public web, I searched them out and...expunged them. They are no more (as far as I know, but there may still be traces of them lurking behind dark webs, waiting to spring out and frighten me when I least expect it). The diary entries from my teenage years were embarrassing (whose weren't?) and some of it was probably a little pretentious. The stuff from my college years were less embarrassing and contained many posts and photos from my study abroad trip, some of which would have been a nice addition to this blog, but unfortunately, those have also been deleted or somehow gone missing. Somewhere in between was an attempt at an online journal that was meant to be a writer's notebook, of sorts, but that was neglected since almost the very beginning of its existence and has been lost to time. And finally, there was an idea for a professional-type blog that never even left the ground.

And so, I am now trying again, with a new blog, which will also be a Writer's Notebook as well as a Journal of Musings about wondrous or terrible things, a Diary of One Person's Journey of professional change, and the Log of an Aspiring Writer's Struggles and Achievements. This is a tall order and it is a promise to myself. I hope I can keep it up.